Building Bridges

This was tough for me to write about because, being so new to advocacy and activism and ally...ness... I feel like the bridge-building I do is insignificant compared to that which I need to learn how to do. But here goes.

Three ways in which I think I'm a bridge-builder:

1. I strive for empathy. I analyze my feelings to help shed light on the behavior of those who disagree with me. I'm a scared, vicious monkey just like those people on the other side of the fence. Were circumstances different, I could have been them, and they could have been me. To pretend that they are incomprehensible serves no purpose aside from stroking my own ego. There is no other. The other is me.
   
   
2. I strive for rational discourse. I have a long way to go before I can claim that my anger never gets the better of me, but over the last fifteen years I've worked to make my relationships more functional while divesting myself of anger, and I'll continue to do so. I do not argue to score points. If there's a talking point for my side that I think is irrelevant, fatuous, or just plain wrong, I'll say that, even if it means sacrificing that point. It's not about scoring points, or being right, or winning the argument. It's about dialectic.
   
   
3. I am working toward outreach. This scares the living shit out of me because I'm still not good at conflict and confrontation. I've barely made a dent in stage one: preaching to the choir. But with every bit of energy I expend on this stage, I remain focused on stages two and three: virtual outreach, and then bona fide community outreach like the Triangle Speakers do. I must stay focused on this end goal, because preaching to the choir for its own sake is nothing but masturbation.
   

My nomination for Bridge Builder:

Jude (GeekGirl) of JaySays.com

Jude's writing is compassionate and crystal-clear: kindness without glurge, firmness without hostility. I love the line she walks.

I wish I had more than one, but it's taken so much of my time just trying to get this blog off the ground that I haven't been able to follow all the wonderful blogs I've discovered. I don't think it would be fair to give any more nominations.

The Great Nationwide Kiss-In

The Great Nationwide Kiss-In
is Now A 50-City, Worldwide Event!

Thousands of supporters of equality for same-sex couples are joining together in more than 50 U.S. and Canadian cities and towns to take part in the Great Nationwide Kiss-In. This event will take place at exactly 2:00 p.m. Eastern Time, on Saturday, August 15, 2009 in large cities like New York, Boston and Houston, as well as smaller cities and towns like Erie, Pennsylvania, and Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

Today, gay-rights bloggers David Badash (of The New Civil Rights Movement and The Bilerico Project), and David Mailloux (of DYM SUM), along with Willow Witte, the Director and Co-Founder of the grassroots LGBT organization Join The Impact, announced the addition of two Canadian cities – Edmonton, Alberta and Toronto, Ontario – alongside another planned event on the island of Saipan, part of the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands. The Great Nationwide Kiss-In not only extends beyond the borders of the United States and its territories, but beyond the North American continent as well, making this event a truly international gay rights phenomenon.

The Great Nationwide Kiss-In was formed in response to recent events in three different U.S. cities, where gay or lesbian couples have been harassed, detained or arrested for the simple act of kissing in a public place. Badash, Mailloux, and Witte created this event as a peaceful celebration of everyone’s right to publicly acknowledge their loved ones – lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or straight – with a kiss.

LGBT activists and bloggers throughout the country, as well as the couples involved, have said the recent incidents involving gay and lesbian couples kissing in San Antonio, and El Paso, TX, as well as Salt Lake City, UT were entirely related to their sexual orientation. After all charges were dropped against the gay couple arrested in Salt Lake City, Badash said, “That all charges were dropped is a win for the LGBT community, and for equality. But the fact that this incident not only occurred, and went as far as it did, shows the need for greater understanding. The Great Nationwide Kiss-In can help everyone see that simple signs of affection hurt no one, and strengthen the bonds we all have with our communities.”

While other local Kiss-In events in Salt Lake City or San Diego have taken place on or near Mormon property, Badash, Mailloux, and Witte all agree that the Great Nationwide Kiss-In should be as non-controversial as possible. None of the events will be held on or even near Mormon church property.

Each event will be specific to the community organizing it. Some will feature music and dancing, some will feature slam poets or other performers, and others will have guest speakers, including local politicians and community leaders who support the simple act of publicly kissing the one you love.

For more information about the Great Nationwide Kiss-In, please contact David Mailloux at greatnationwidekissin@gmail.com, or call him at (617) 213.0433. You can also visit their website: http://www.greatnationwidekissin.com.

Wasn't there supposed to be a windmill around here?

So I went to the wedding of my cousin's daughter today. It was a big disappointment: all happiness and focusing on the couple and amicable chatting with relatives. Feh. Not once did the minister take the opportunity to turn the proceedings into a political forum. I was hoping that he'd be a leftist who picked that moment to deliver his anti-homophobia screed, and then, even though I agreed with him, I would have been so offended at his hijacking of the ceremony that I would've felt compelled to protest. I would have been inspired to start a pro-homophobe blog, and then I could've started flame wars with myself between the two blogs.

That would've been cool.

Meet Tyler

Progressing further into my twenty third year of life, I'm discovering more features of this crazy sphere we call 'the World'. This wouldn’t be a bad application idea to have on your iPhone, ‘The World in the Palm of Your Hands’. A ‘tell all’, one touch, preventions and precautions of the world we live in.

Now, I’m not a self-righteous cutting Emo child lost amongst the multitudes of generation ‘Y’, nor am I a self proclaimed martyr for the blog. As a matter of fact, I’m a blog virgin, ready to bare my inner privates between the silky smooth rayon fabric sheets of the World Wide Web.

In the preceding twelve months, I had encountered the many intricate periods of what some may metaphorically label as ‘that’s life’, ‘one door closes, another opens’ and my personal favorite ‘it’s just meant to be’.

Aside the ups and downs of unemployment, personal loss/gains and other related instances I personally compare with the inevitable final seconds of a moths existence, whilst gliding into an unknown florescent glow and gazing with an amazed God like aw embroidered on its face, I had also discovered a heroine like substance. The label displayed visibly on the tightly concealed prepackaged body? ‘Love’.

The love I encompass for my partner is greater than any mislaid episode in life, the same trivial elements everyone shall experience, from being made redundant to a blunt and bitter ending of friendships, this love with such strength drowns all animosity towards the past and sutures the present.

Recently a proposal of ‘marriage’ was pitched. As the batter slugged hard with all his might, it was caught with accuracy and acceptance by distant center field, number eight.

Unfortunately this pre-packaged substance came with a socially pre-packaged bitter tinge. Comparable to an inquisitive child, consequently testing a 9v Duracell Alkaline battery with their tongue. The tinge? Legislation opposing the legal entitlement for same sex marriage.

My capacity to protest in opposition to an unjust issue was merely limited towards the local grocer overcharging or a minor noise complaint at three in the morning. At no point in the present future, would I have expected to be advocating and promoting equality within the Australian community. Picturing myself several years ago, and thoughts towards what I may say to my 'future self' (present self) would be along the slandering lines as such, “Get off the cross we need the wood!”.

Several months ago, the opening of public submissions to the senate inquiry into the marriage equality amendment bill had been publicized (the Bill seeks to amend the federal Marriage Act so that same-sex partners are able to marry in Australia, and to recognise same-sex marriages legally entered into overseas). Due to the previous inquiry, in 2004, it had received more submissions than any other Senate inquiry in history, 13,000 against same-sex marriage and 3000 in favor.

(https://secure4.ilisys.com.au/austroj/onlinesubmission.htm)

I felt the unwarranted slap of tyranny, the first time being a gay man, and the weight of a one ton bell welded tightly to shackles and clamped shut at the base of my ankle. No numeric label engraved on the face, defining its weight, only one word crossed by a red line… ‘liberty’.

Determined to get back on the wood and preserver, with people to make their submissions and support this bill, I had set up a facebook group ‘Marriage Equality Amendment Bill 2009’ with it’s sibling site www.twitter.com/equal_rights, to use social networking for a national/international gain. The groups have began to grow in numbers, and supporters are following the groups every move/post/twitter, and offering their own support and stories.

Understandably this sounds like another personal advocate’s ‘all access’ masturbatory session, but in reality it’s not. Collectively the human race has/is (progressively and slowly) abolishing social oppressions such as, interracial marriages, female/racial/same sex/disability discrimination, slavery and more.

Being a member of this exclusive ‘human race’, I feel obliged to ‘stand up’ for equality. I feel obliged to ‘stand up’ for my equality. Obliged for your equality, and if the tables were turned and heterosexual couples had their liberties banished. I will ‘stand up’ for their equality.

The world is in the palm of our hands.

---

I met Tyler when he followed me on Twitter and I asked if he wanted to be a face of the day. Thanks Tyler!

Shower thoughts

Yesterday morning some thoughts came together as I was sleepily getting into the shower. That seems to happen a lot.

This hasn't been a fun week, mainly because of a certain young man I love who is flushing his life down the toilet with alcohol. I'm very close to his whole family, and he's sort of like a younger brother to me. For years I've fretted and worried about him, and now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't stop what's happening to him. I can't fix it. I can't control it. In accepting that, I've felt the full pain of it, and it's almost enough to double me over. I said to Grace, "Is this pain what makes people become control freaks?" and she said "Hell yeah!" I can well imagine going to any lengths not to admit that there's nothing I can do.

Two nights ago I wrote that we're hard-wired to be uncomfortable with that which is unusual, such as homosexuality. The next morning, as those shower thoughts were coalescing, I remembered that I wrote those words just a few hours after picking up Invincible Iron Man #16 at the comic shop. That's when it all clicked into place. I realized that it's all about control.

In the comic book, protagonist Maria Hill flashes back to when the supervillain Controller sunk his electronic control device into the back of her neck. As he was doing so he intoned the word "Control". And it seemed to me that the writing carried a psychological dimension that wouldn't have been present in the halcyon days of moustache-twirling super-villains. The writer seemed to be presenting The Controller as the ultimate control freak: someone who controls people not just as a means to an end, but as a sick end in itself.

Why would a writer add that sense of perversion to an established character? Well, obviously the darker the better these days. But beyond that generality I think that it taps into a specific fixation with control. I think that, as the twentieth century's chickens came home to roost, people in the U.S. started to realize how little control they had over the world, and it fractured us even more than before. September 11 shone as the new pole star in our constellation of uncontrol. President Bush helped us turn away from that light and toward fractionation. He told us the great lie that we could be safe, and many swallowed it gladly. Anything to believe that someone had the world under control - that someone ever could.

So this week seems to be all about control for me. I'm thinking of how much it hurts not to have control, and the response to that pain: to try to gain contol, or at least the feeling of it. I want to kidnap that young man I love and lock him in a cage until he detoxes. But even if I did that, it wouldn't fix him.

You may want to put a cage around the lives and rights of people whose sexuality you don't like, but there are even more problems with that. First of all, they ain't broken, so you shouldn't be trying to fix them. Believe me. Just three nights ago I spent an hour talking to a gay reverend, and there was absolutely nothing out of place with this guy. He was kind and articulate and funny, and a pleasure to talk to. He was a whole human being, with no need or desire to be fixed. If you want to help him, to fix him... well, that's got nothing to do with him. It's about your need for control.

So You Think Gay Sex Is Weird?

Fine. I get that. Seems a bit weird to me, too. Like I said before, though: if it seems weird to me, that's my problem; and if it seems weird to you, that's your problem. But I do understand. I believe that we're programmed to be uncomfortable with the unusual, and something that only ten per cent of the population does is fair game. However, if you could just put a pin in that for a second, I'd like to tell you about something that may alter your perspective.

Have you ever looked at a spider very closely, or seen macro shots like this one? Some spiders look like they're wearing boxing gloves. That little fifth set of legs is called the pedipalps, and if they're swollen like that, it means the spider is a male.

What are the pedipalps for, you ask? Well. Get ready, 'cause this shit's gonna blow your mind. The following is from the article ON SPERMATIC TRANSMISSION IN SPIDERS by J. W. abalos and E. C. Baez.

In 1843, Menge described the construction by the mature male of a nuptial web into which (or directly into the web of the female) he deposits a drop of semen. The semen is produced in his abdominal reproductive organs, a pair of gonads with their respective deferent ducts meeting to form a terminal duct, opening at the midline of the body into a seminal vesicle in the epigastric furrow. This drop of semen is then taken up by the copulatory apparatus situated in the male palpi, which are transformed for this purpose into more or less complex organs, according to the spider family. Once the palpi are filled with sperm, the male is ready for mating.

Copulation is preceded by a courtship typical for each species and described by various authors. The male introduces the embolus of one palpus into the female epigynum, transferring the sperm into the seminal receptacle; immediately afterwards he repeats the operation with the other palpus. The deposition of the sperm in the nuptial web as described by Menge was later observed by various authors, among whom Montgomery (1903) suggested the term "sperm induction".

Read the entire PDF for more fun. And seriously, if you can manage it, find a copy of the following article.

Studies on the Habits of Spiders, Particularly Those of the Mating Period
by Montgomery, T. H., Jr.
Proceedings of the Academy of Natural Sciences of Philadelphia, Vol. 55 (1903), pp. 59- 149
Published by: Academy of Natural Sciences

It's nothing short of a mind-altering experience: page after page of descriptions of male spiders who, if they're very lucky, manage to mate without dying at all. The merely lucky males manage to get eaten by the female only after finishing a regime of spectacularly acrobatic sex. The unlucky ones get killed as soon as they touch her web.

Makes gay sex seem kinda boring, yeah?

Bananasmacking

Last Wednesday I noticed two very similar local stories on a Syracuse, NY news website. The first was about some kids who rigged a playground with razor blades, and the second was about a group of kids who set fire to a playground.

The thought of concealed razor blades sinking into small hands made me shudder. But I wasn't particularly surprised. This is par for the course for our species. We're not going to hell. We've always been there. This is what we are: vicious, sadistic little monkeys.

Years ago I came up with a theory about why people seem hard-wired to engage in vandalism. I think that it's a manifestation of the second law of thermodynamics. In attempting to gain a reproductive advantage over its peers, an organism has two basic choices: work to build up its own resources, or work to destroy the resources of others. Since the entropy of any system always increases, it's always far easier to reduce order than to increase it by the same amount; tearing something down is much easier than building it up. It seems clear to me that an evolutionary process could select for vandalism, disturbing though the results may be.

It's useful to make those kids' behavior explicable because the alternative is to throw our hands up and start that letter to the editor about the kids today with the hair, and the music, and how our society is going down the tubes. But if instead we understand the behavior as symptomatic of humanity, I think a pattern emerges.

For the most part, I don't think that people grow up. They just get better and better at presenting their childhood behavior as rational. If you peel back that thick, shiny veneer of logic and rationality, you'll expose a small, mean core that contains the same posturing, bullying and one-upsmanship that you can see on any playground.

Believe it or not, this post is not an exercise in cynicism and nihilism. It's a call for empathy. Just because we're vicious little monkeys doesn't mean we don't have nobler selves. We can choose to aspire to our better natures. And we can occasionally bootstrap ourselves into being what we think we are, rather than just what we are.

But while we're yanking furiously on those bootstraps, let's not forget our baser selves, and how much we share with those kids who could not abide an untainted playground. Were you really that surprised? Methinks thou dost protest too much. Look at your own childhood. Look at most of the adults you know. Look at people in any time, and any place, throughout human history. On a good day we think that smacking the banana out of the other monkey's hand is the definition of a Good Idea. So don't waste your time being surprised at Proposition 8 or the myriad examples of bananasmacking that limn the daily headlines. We can instead choose to respond with a clarity and determination that will be more effective for being suffused with love.