Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I'm a side-sleeper.

Tonight something came to me. Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say that, in order for this particular something to come to me, I had to be drunk. Nor would I say that my having run into an ex-friend in Wal-Mart earlier this evening -- a friend with whom I had a particularly painful falling-out last week -- was requisite to this particular insight. And I would be the last one to suggest that talking to a delightful trio of lesbians on Facebook was a necessary mental catalyst for the insight. I'm just saying that, for me, all these factors seem to have helped.

How many hours per day do you spend having sex?

No. It's not a prurient question. Really. Trust me.

How many hours per day do you spend having sex? I would guess that even the most sexually heroic of us could not lay (ha!) claim to having sex more than three hours per day. That's three hours average out of every twenty-four. Feel free to call me on that. No, really. You needn't feel guilty about making me feel like a doddering old bastard. I'll just sit here in the dark with my ham sandwich...

Anyway. Just for the sake of argument, let's say that anyone who has to work for a living is probably not spending more than three hours out of any given twenty-four having sex.

How many hours per night do you sleep?

Even the craziest fucker I ever met slept sometimes. Even people like Winston Churchill took catnaps that totaled to at least a few hours out of every temporal diurnal anomaly. Even the people who make me think "Damn, how the hell can they do that?" sleep around four or five hours per night. Which leads me to conclude that...

Even the most sleep-deprived person spends more time sleeping than he spends having sex.

So that means...

I could ask you "Are you straight, gay, bisexual, other?"

...and the answer to that question would have less bearing on your life than the following question.

"Are you a side-sleeper, back-sleeper, or stomach-sleeper?"


  1. I start on my side, spooning my wife, usually with one hand cupped over her head, which she shaves, so it is round and smooth and tactiley pleasing. I end up falling asleep on my back. In the morning, we spoon the other way. : ) She makes me coffee too, almost every morning and she doesn't even drink coffee. All of this, much more relevant if you ask me, than how much time we spend having sex. Because I can't really function without a good cup of coffee... : )

  2. Oh my god, that's so sweet... and *hot*! Laura, I have to tell you that I have a thing for bald chicks. So thank you for that image. Really. Thank you a *lot*. :)

    Hooray for relevance!

  3. So you are working on an average amount for the voracious of 3 hours out of a 24-hour day or period. Are you including the foreplay or just the act? If you are including foreplay, do you also include the lead-up conversations to said foreplay, telephone exchanges throughout the working day laced with innuendo and hopefulness. Do you also include the smile one wakes up with after turning to see their partner asleep next to them? Do you include the racy dreams during the night? I may not be having sex, but I am very sexual, practically 24/7. I know that I am not alone.